Monday, September 26, 2011


I used to worry about living a small life. I stayed home with children, and I was surrounded by children, and often the only people I talked to all day long were children. This blog was a huge part of my sanity during those days because I could talk to you, most of whom are not children.

And I loved staying home--never regretted a single moment of it--but I worried that my life was too small. It was so focused on childcare and . . . children. And the house. Going back to school helped with that--I could wax rhapsodic about how wonderful that experience was for me, how transformative and beneficial and educational, in both the traditional and personal senses. And then I got a job, and the concern of living a small life sort of went away. I also developed depression and didn't care if my life was small. Heck, the smaller, the better.

But now, after around 3 years in the workforce (never mind the hiatus wherein I was semi-unemployed), I'm beginning to wonder if my life is too small again.

There's so much I want to say on this, and so much I want to talk to you about, but this is a public blog, worldwide web and all that, and so I feel limited because, for once in my life, I don't want to say too much.

There's a lot tumbling around in this little head of mine about work, and purpose, and family, and dreams, and oughts, and the large, large world out there. About creativity and contentment. About houses and babies. About time and influence and how it all comes together in my life.

Which, goodness gracious, will be changing quite drastically in the next few months. I'm six months pregnant, and although it seems like FOREVER until January, I know it's not.

So much has changed since this time last year, so much is drastically different from what I could ever have imagined. And yet I find myself in a similar emotional fall season. (If only the ACTUAL fall season would show up. Does it exist in Texas anymore? I'm beginning to doubt.)

This is maddeningly vague, I know, but I had to say something. I had to write.

(And as I pointed out to someone just yesterday, I've managed to blog at least once every month for the past 6 years. That astounds me because I'm so often inconsistent in things, and it's never been intentional, until today. September is drawing to a close, and I didn't want to break the streak.)


Chris said...

Oh my - for me it would be wonderful to even have a nice long conversation based on your pithy fifth paragraph!
So much has changed since this time last year, and so much will and can change between now and this time next year!!

Angela said...

A few disjointed thoughts:
One, I understand what you mean by "...this is a public blog, worldwide web and all that..." and I feel that way many times, when I decide not to blog about a subject. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my blog is, in many ways, superficial. Not always, but often.
Two, I would love to discuss this with you on the phone, and hear what you mean on a deeper level, but, three, I think we all worry about living a small life. It was probably the driving force for the majority of the decisions I've made in my life. And as we get older and start to be more cognizant of our mortality I think it might get worse. But then I wonder if the definition of "small" should change with our sense of mortality and as we learn more and more about ourselves. Or maybe changing that definition is just a way of coping with the feeling of smallness.