Expecting

It's happened before, the "no sooner have I said," and so I shouldn't be surprised that's it's happening again.

For the first 6 months of this year, I felt great. But, for reasons I will discuss below, I have gone off of my antidepressant. I didn't think it would be a big deal, because, as I said, I'd been doing so well for quite a while.

But after a couple of weeks off the meds, I can definitely feel the depression lurking beneath the surface. I can feel the anxiety, the stretched-ness, the occasional sense of falling. It's not bad, really, not nearly as bad as I know it can be. It's still manageable, still containable. But I'm aware of the monster that I thought was pretty much gone, and that's frustrating. Don't misunderstand; I'm not in the bad place. I'm just very aware that the bad place still exists.

And so it's very good that I'm able to be excited about the reason for going off the medication. You see, I'm pregnant.

To answer your question, NO, it was not planned, not at all, not one of the four (!) have been planned. But this one was the most actively planned against, so it was very much a shock. I'm about 8 weeks along, and I feel very gross most of the time, even aside from the emotional issues. So all of it is wearing on me right now.

It's a bit of an endurance race until I can get to the second trimester and see how much of this is depression-related, how much is nausea/fatigue-related. Moreover, what can I live with, and, really, what can be done about it while I'm pregnant? I know I have some options, but we also want to be very careful (of course) about how we approach it all.

So while I should be gushing about pregnancy--and, really, I am excited about it--between the constant nausea, the fatigue, and the shadow of depression, all I can do right now is make it day to day.