Monday, June 13, 2011


It's happened before, the "no sooner have I said," and so I shouldn't be surprised that's it's happening again.

For the first 6 months of this year, I felt great. But, for reasons I will discuss below, I have gone off of my antidepressant. I didn't think it would be a big deal, because, as I said, I'd been doing so well for quite a while.

But after a couple of weeks off the meds, I can definitely feel the depression lurking beneath the surface. I can feel the anxiety, the stretched-ness, the occasional sense of falling. It's not bad, really, not nearly as bad as I know it can be. It's still manageable, still containable. But I'm aware of the monster that I thought was pretty much gone, and that's frustrating. Don't misunderstand; I'm not in the bad place. I'm just very aware that the bad place still exists.

And so it's very good that I'm able to be excited about the reason for going off the medication. You see, I'm pregnant.

To answer your question, NO, it was not planned, not at all, not one of the four (!) have been planned. But this one was the most actively planned against, so it was very much a shock. I'm about 8 weeks along, and I feel very gross most of the time, even aside from the emotional issues. So all of it is wearing on me right now.

It's a bit of an endurance race until I can get to the second trimester and see how much of this is depression-related, how much is nausea/fatigue-related. Moreover, what can I live with, and, really, what can be done about it while I'm pregnant? I know I have some options, but we also want to be very careful (of course) about how we approach it all.

So while I should be gushing about pregnancy--and, really, I am excited about it--between the constant nausea, the fatigue, and the shadow of depression, all I can do right now is make it day to day.


felicity said...

That's how to do it, day by day. Congratulations! My sister had a baby after hers were all out of diapers and going to school and so forth. It was a wonderful experience. I hope the same for you. I'll keep you in my prayers for the depression issues. So complicated, especially with a new little complication. : ) Thinking of you and knowing how brave you can be. Hold onto that!

Karin Kaufman said...

Amy, I'm so happy for you! Congratulations! Hang in there--the Lord knows the plans He has for you and He will hold you up with His mighty right hand.