Friday, October 29, 2010

It Lingers Still

It sneaks up on me at the oddest times and bowls me over with its force. A few years ago it was at a ladies' retreat. It was the first time I'd been in a camp setting singing with only ladies, and the memories washed over me. I stood and sobbed. I remember thinking I hoped no one around me thought it was some deep spiritual battle or something. I didn't want them praying for the wrong thing.

Because I wasn't struggling with sin, or being convicted of something, or wrestling with spiritual matters. I was remembering the singing. I was remembering the harmony, the friendship, the sisterhood. I was remembering the music.

It's happened a few times since then. There are certain songs that I just can't listen to anymore; I change the station when they come on, and so I've learned to avoid known triggers. But this morning I was watching a video clip of three siblings singing a worship song. They're young, and they're pretty talented, and I was enjoying and admiring their song, with no thought whatsoever of my past experiences, when BOOM! It hit me out of nowhere. And once more, I just sobbed.

Maybe there's a part of me that still longs for that. The harmony, the unity, the duende, as Angie put it. And maybe it's not a longing so much as the keen ache of remembering and knowing that it's gone. Either way, it's a heart wound that I'm coming to believe won't ever fully heal. Because deep down, I desperately miss the music.


Angela said...

I wish I understood at the time how unlikely that perfection was and how fleeting it would be.

Anonymous said...