Because I wasn't struggling with sin, or being convicted of something, or wrestling with spiritual matters. I was remembering the singing. I was remembering the harmony, the friendship, the sisterhood. I was remembering the music.
It's happened a few times since then. There are certain songs that I just can't listen to anymore; I change the station when they come on, and so I've learned to avoid known triggers. But this morning I was watching a video clip of three siblings singing a worship song. They're young, and they're pretty talented, and I was enjoying and admiring their song, with no thought whatsoever of my past experiences, when BOOM! It hit me out of nowhere. And once more, I just sobbed.
Maybe there's a part of me that still longs for that. The harmony, the unity, the duende, as Angie put it. And maybe it's not a longing so much as the keen ache of remembering and knowing that it's gone. Either way, it's a heart wound that I'm coming to believe won't ever fully heal. Because deep down, I desperately miss the music.
2 comments:
I wish I understood at the time how unlikely that perfection was and how fleeting it would be.
*love*
~L
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