Friday, October 02, 2009

Here's the part where I whine

So, it's no sooner than I say, "Oh, I can handle this" (insert goofy, sarcastic voice) that I have this overwhelming feeling that I can't handle this. I just can't do it for one more day. I'm fractious.

And maybe fractious is what happens when I've had basically nothing to do this week. Yeah, you heard me right. It's not that I'm overwhelmed because I've been so busy. No, I'm just tired. I'm bored. I'm ready to move on already. I have senior-itis. I am sick of it all. It feels pointless and monotonous and never-ending. And I'm glad work has been reeeaaallly slow, because I've been able to do school work. But I'm a bit bored. I've seriously moved from easy to medium to hard to evil on websudoku.com just this week. And I'm glad my classes are relatively easy, because it's nice not to have to bust my ass to get a good grade (see posts here.) But I'm over it. Learning has become something that sounds nice, but, really, who freaking cares? Give me the diploma already. I'm a life-long learner, blah, blah, blah. I'll pick this stuff up later, just let me get off the ride.

And even more, I am overwhelmed by all the things--all the many, many things--that I want to do, and should do, and need to do, that don't. get. done. I want to smack people when they talk about how busy their lives are. I want to give them a run-down of my schedule and my husband's schedule and my kids's schedules and say, "What were you saying about busy? Hmmm?" I hear people talk and read articles about how busy we are these days, and "Here's a list of 5 ways you can learn to say no" and I'm all, "SAY NO TO WHAT?!?" What in my life can I say no to? My life is so busy that when I'm not busy, I revert into an almost comatose state. And that's just one more state of dysfunction that overwhelms me.

And I'm just tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the busyness and I'm tired of the daily grind and I'm tired of school and I'm just sleepy-tired. I walk around in a constant state of fuzz. Tired fuzziness. I forget simple words like "overhead projector" and "transparency." Seriously, I just had to remember the word "transparency" so I could tell you I forget it.

And while I'm at it, let me throw this out there, too: I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid that all this effort will be for naught. That I will have poured myself out for three years--found this desire for copyediting and the courage to call myself a writer and dare to see where it takes me--and it will be for nothing. I'm afraid that, after all, I'll end up being a teacher for the rest of my life, and I don't want that. I don't want to clock in every day and deal with a room full of America's future leaders whose lives I could impact for good. I don't want to deal with parents, and I don't want to deal with administrators, and I don't want to deal with the TAKS test, and I don't want to do it. *Stomps foot* I want to work from home, and write, and maybe do laundry and clean my house and pick my kids up from school. I want my dream job. I am doing all of this so that I can have my dream job, and I'm afraid the temp job will throttle the dream job.

So, there. It's out there. All the crap, there it is. And, despite the fact that it's almost midnight ("You say you're tired, Amy. Well, here's an idea..."), writing makes me feel less tired. More whole. Because if I can still write, then maybe I can actually help others write. And maybe I can help them write well. And if I can help others write well, then maybe I can write well, too. And then, maybe...

Because through it all, there's still hope. And that's why I keep going.

Even though the day be laden
And my task dreary
And my strength small
A song keeps singing in my heart
For I know that I am Thine
I am part of Thee
Thou art kin to me
And all my times
All my times
Are in Thy hands
(From the Iona community)


Jennie Quillen said...

I understand what you are going through with the burn-out, I just want to be DONE phase. But I also know for a fact that it does come to an end. And when you reach the end, the amount of accomplishment you feel makes every moment worth while. It's not easy and it's not fun, but that's what sets you aside from the others. You CAN do this and you WILL do this. And one day you will look back on this time in your life and be so proud that YOU made it! Hang in there and remember 'that this too shall pass'. And remember you are loved! :-)

Chris said...

Oh you girls - I'm so blessed to be your Mom!

Angela said...

Wonder Woman called- her indestructible bracelets have gone missing and you're on her short list. I told her *if* you had them, I'm sure you'll return them in 8 months or so.

But I made sure to emphasize the *if*.